Learning to Get Unstuck in the New Year

by Hannah Feliciano, LMFT

As we embark on another new year just around the corner, I can’t help but start to hope, dream, and plan for the upcoming year.  Many of my clients and I have been talking a lot about what it takes to get unstuck.  Maybe the thing that you feel keeps you stuck is an unhealthy relationship, a job that is just no longer fulfilling, or a bad habit that you feel you just can’t seem to kick.  Or maybe you get stuck in not following through with the positive habits you know will help you feel unstuck.  

Maybe a better question to ask though, is what are the thought patterns we get stuck in that keep us from making the choices that align with our core values?  And what is it that gets in the way of us helping ourselves in the way we know we should?  For me, as someone who struggles with chronic pain and anxiety, I have allowed the way I think about these parts of me to affect who I am and then keep myself stuck—holding myself back from reaching for healthier habits or even setting goals at times.   And while the burden I carry may not be what you carry, we all must choose to decide what we are going to do in the face of our own personal struggles. 

A quote that  has helped me re-think the different challenges I face has been from the “mother of family therapy”  Virginia Satir, in which she reminds us -- 

“Life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

In reality we all carry something -- but what we choose to believe about ourselves and these “burdens” is what determines how we will choose to live our lives. We can not always choose the circumstances we have been given, but we can choose how we decide to cope.  And that is where the difference lies.  So how then do we choose to move forward?

A shift in mindset is needed.  This shift must come in how we view our “burdens”  that we carry. Instead of wanting to just be rid of my “burden” of chronic pain or anxiety, I have had to learn to befriend it.  Talk to it.  Comfort it.  Be curious about it.  This seems very counterintuitive to some, but it does make sense. The more we extend compassion and kindness towards these parts of ourselves -- yes, even the shameful, hard, scary, messy, painful parts -- is when we can actually move forward towards healing.  Then and only then this “burden” is no longer seen as an enemy we are fighting against, but we see it as a companion deserving our curiosity, kindness, comfort, and compassion.  

In this way we actually can unburden that part from the weight of it having to feel like it must lead out front and center, controlling and protecting us. When we offer kindness instead of shame, compassion instead of blame or judgment to our parts that feel like burdens, this is an act of unburdening the part allowing it to take a step back, then allowing our True Self to lead.  Then we can become a more integrated whole self.  As Dr. Schwartz, originator of Internal Family Systems says in his book No Bad Parts,

“Our parts can sometimes be disruptive or harmful, but once they’re unburdened, they return to their essential goodness. When we learn to love all our parts, we can learn to love all people―and that will contribute to healing the world.”

So this gets me thinking about what we will make of this next year, despite the hardships, challenges and burdens we may carry.  What mindset shifts may need to happen around what has been keeping you feeling stuck?  What shifts do you need to make internally around those parts of yourself you may have labeled shameful, a burden, or bad?  How can you offer more curiosity, self-compassion and kindness to these parts?  What would it look like to slow down and just pay attention to your inner self more this next year? 

So I invite you to join with me in the coming year to continue to slow down and think about the parts that sometimes we may label as a burden, shameful or bad, and instead try to offer them unconditional love, radical acceptance and intense kindness.  You may just be surprised what that shift can do to help you start feeling a bit more unstuck.  

To explore more about internal family systems check out these links below:

https://positivepsychology.com/internal-family-systems-therapy/

https://ifs-institute.com/

https://a.co/d/0Z2oX1U

Matrescence: The Transition to Motherhood

Reflections of a New Mother

by Hannah Feliciano, LMFT

Originally written May 6, 2022

I became a new mom last year, and while this past year has been the most incredibly rewarding, it has also been one of the most difficult and draining years as well.  The transition to motherhood is one that is celebrated for its beauty and awe, but many times it is also a transition fraught with anxiety, depression and even sometimes anger and disappointment. 

The transition to motherhood is something I have been thinking a lot about, which sent me on a journey to understand this transformation.  From this search to understand my own changes, I was met with a new word that I believe our culture needs to adopt and use more often—matrescence.

For example, when you think of the change from childhood to adulthood, we have a word—adolescence.  So why do we not know the word for the transition from a woman to a mother? 

The word matrescence (pronounced similar to adolescence) was first used by Dana Raphael, Ph.D., a medical anthropologist in 1973.   And today, clinical psychologist Aurélie Athan, Ph.D., has been on a mission to revive and spread awareness about this critical transition into motherhood.  When I first discovered this term, it helped me make sense of my own experience—thinking about my own transformation not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.  According to Athan, matrescence “is a developmental passage where a woman transitions through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, to the postnatal period and beyond. The exact length of matrescence is individual, recurs with each child, and may arguably last a lifetime! The scope of the changes encompass multiple domains –bio-psycho-social-political-spiritual– and can be likened to the developmental push of adolescence”.

This was the change I felt deep within my being and now it had a name. Matrescence. This does not mean that postpartum mental health difficulties, like postpartum depression (PPD) and postpartum anxiety (PPA) are any less real.  It just means that now the deep changes that do not get talked about enough have a space to live.  It also means that the women who are told they do not meet the criteria for diagnoses like PPD or PPA, but still feel so encumbered and distraught by the change and burden of motherhood, can now understand that there is a reason.  This change is so paramount, so life-altering and significant that it is, in fact, a whole transformation of one’s being.

In my own transformation into a mother and my subsequent journey through new motherhood, I have been faced with looking at my own shortcomings, but also my natural abilities.  I have learned that I am capable of doing things I never imagined, but have also learned even more how to depend and rely on those around me.  I could have never imagined the toll that new motherhood and, just motherhood, in general could take on one’s own energy and personhood. This whole new being that is so precious and dependent, so beautiful and destructive, is now so completely reliant on me.  

But just like any transformation, a whole new world has also opened up to me.  Motherhood has taught me the lesson of holding opposite truths at the same time.  Motherhood can feel so clumsy and hard some days.  Motherhood can also feel like you are living and fulfilling such a deep purpose.  Motherhood can feel like drowning.  Motherhood opens up the deepest love you could never have imagined.  Motherhood can feel like living in complete chaos one moment and then incredible peace the next.  Motherhood is a paradox. 

And I am still learning to accept this paradox.  I am still learning and failing, trying again and again each day as a mother.  This journey is also teaching me to be grateful—grateful for all the mothers that have gone before me.  I have learned to be so much more grateful for my own mother.  And I’m grateful for all the mothers that surround me.  I am grateful for their sacrifice, love and devotion.  I am grateful for their support and encouragement.  I am grateful to know I am not alone.

And while not all women are mothers, all women can “mother” in their own way, by nurturing ourselves and others we care for with a mothering spirit.  The idea of motherhood and Mother’s Day may also be very difficult and even painful for some women.  For many women who have experienced any form of pregnancy loss or infertility or who have chosen to not be mothers, the idea of Mother’s Day or motherhood may also be fraught with grief, sadness, or ambivalence.  So be gentle with yourselves and others.  Remember that we all must hold these paradoxical truths in whatever stage of life we find ourselves.   

By understanding the stages of womanhood and the transition into motherhood, however that looks for each of us, it is an important reminder that there is no one-size-fits-all.  And having a term such as matrescence to help us dialogue with those around us gives us a sense of belonging and normalcy amongst the discomfort.  Now that I know this term, I use it to describe my own experience, and I hope you will find it helpful as well as you remember that motherhood is a complex transformational experience.

So on this Mother’s Day, I hope you will remember to be thankful for those in your life who have gone before you and have given you life, but also be reminded of the transformation into being a mother.  And just as each of us moved through adolescence at our own pace, so do we become mothers in our own ways.  For now, I am grateful for all this new stage in life is teaching me, and I am learning to embrace the chaos as well as the peace. 

More readings and resources:

https://www.matrescence.com/

https://www.npr.org/2021/08/08/1024674033/theres-a-name-for-the-ups-and-downs-of-new-motherhood-its-called-matrescence

The Unintended Effects of Purity Culture

by Hannah Feliciano, LMFT

Last October, in conjunction with Insight Counseling Centers, I had the privilege of sharing a talk called “The Unintended Effects of Purity Culture.” I talked about how the effects of a “Christian Purity Culture” that started off trying to help youth, has created a glaring, aching need inside many now adults trying to reconcile their upbringing and beliefs around their bodies, sexuality and self-worth. This topic is not an easy one, but it is an important topic to consider. There are probably more questions than answers that I ask here, but it was my way of trying to ask the hard questions. Many clients I work with have struggled with self-esteem and body-image while they grapple with how to reconcile their sexuality with messages they heard and internalized as young people.

So now, we have to ask these hard questions. Questions like—how do we go on to have a healthy view of our bodies and sexuality? How can a person experience self-empowerment in the face of their past sexual and spiritual trauma(s)? How do current societal stigmas, beliefs and messages complicate a person's sense of self and value? How do our own internal worldviews and beliefs influence our outward behaviors?

These are questions we must all ask ourselves as we search for a better way to lead, parent and educate the next generation, in addition to live out a healthier “sexual ethic” for ourselves. I hope you not only enjoy this talk, but are challenged by it to ask yourself and those around you these difficult, but important questions. Let me know your feedback and please share, if it was of any value to you, your own personal story and path to wholeness and healing.

In peace and hope,

Hannah Feliciano, MMFT